In my Exploring Copywriting Genres class we write exercises in different styles/genres of writing. Our most recent exercise was to write a Manifesto for either Beef.Org or vegetarianism. I chose the former, written in the style of the 37signals manifesto. It is as follows:
1. The top link.
Take your rightful place in the food chain.
Why else would we have opposable thumbs if not to hold our burgers tightly? We were born to eat meat.
2. It’s only natural.
Have you ever seen a man hunt a carrot or track an apple? No. They daintily pluck them and nibble on the vegetables like a rabbit. Ever seen a man nibble on a steak? Hell no. Meat is to be devoured.
The Fourth of July. Baseball. Summer pool parties. What do they have in common? A grill, several pounds of meat, and a plastic cooler full of beer. There isn’t anything more American—except maybe finishing up with some warm apple pie ala mode of course.
4. Stay strong.
Vegetarians don’t make great bodybuilders. Hmm, wonder why? O, right, that’s because protein builds muscle. Meat makes us strong—vegetables add a side of color.
5. Omnivore’s Solution.
Some vegetarian, hemp-wearing yahoos out there will probably tell you vegetables are the best source of vitamins. And they’d be right. Ain’t nothing wrong with a pound of brisket, some corn on the cob, and a baked potato. We can live with that.
So eat like a hungry bear. Eat everything within your path. Just make sure to leave room for the meat.